Warning: The below contains mature content and reference to drug use
Depression severely affects my energy levels, the amount I can get done on a given day is up in the air, who knows? Will I wake up feeling uppity and manic, like in overdrive all day; jumping to clean the house and run errands, or will I be sequestered to the bedroom with blackout curtains left to sleep for the entire day, and drone out to T.V. on my Ipad?
Drained, is the feeling, my mental capacity is severely diminished, the things I have an interest in and want to work on have to be put off. Meeting Friends, working gigs, everything is affected by the state of mind on a given day.
It feels like I’m not in control of my emotions, and sometimes actions as well. I go about self-medicating when I feel bad, which poses a number of problems considering the number of psychotropic substances I am already legally prescribed, and at high doses may I add.
They’ve given me Klonopin & a high dose of Zyprexa which I assume will soon turn me into a walking zombie rather soon. It’s a tricky balance to strike with the right meds, everyone reacts differently, and I still haven’t found my perfect regiment.
I’ve spent the better part of a year and a half out of work, dealing with Anxiety and Depression. I’ve tried multiple classes of medications, some with disastrously negative effects, and some with no noticeable effect at all.
Olanzapine, brand name Zyprexa has been my saving grace for sleep. I rely on it to get a good night’s sleep at this point, if I forget to take it or choose not to, I’m awake most of the night. It’s important to note that drug dependency isn’t a choice sometimes, but necessary.
Even with a good medication regimen, the times I forget or willingly don’t take meds for various reasons make it even harder to manage. On paper I’m a young man with Psychiatric troubles due to Trauma and physical circumstances; in reality, I’m a young drug fiend of sorts, simply trying to keep the flow of meds going, and getting me to feeling relaxed, usually through a combination of Weed and Heroin, or benzodiazepines.
I keep certain things from my Psychiatrist and Counselor, mainly inappropriate drug use. Also, sexual subjects, not that there is much to discuss from the libido of an on and off Heroin user, half the time I can’t even get an erection, much less maintain it, or cum to competition.
The system of drug use has developed over years. Initially, it was smoking pot for fun at work, with my buddies in the Kitchen. Soon enough I was picking up ounces a month and continued that cycle until pretty much now.
The hard drug use started at an interesting time in my life, my Father’s premature suicide came to fruition around the age of 19 It was a gram of Heroin that he had laying around, after having OD’d on it, in combination with a significant amount of Cocaine that he had on hand.
I nonchalantly took possession of the little baggy of white powder. Taking bumps off a key in my Grandma’s House, during the wake and following days dealing with the aftermath. They talk about how insidious these drugs are. I was intensely interested in solving the question of why my Dad would have chosen to live such a life?
He had so many different options, he could have lived a completely different and productive life; if it weren’t for mental complications and substance abuse.
In the following year, I experimented with every drug I could find, psychedelics like LSD, Shrooms, and DMT, in addition to stimulants such as Cocaine, Meth & MDMA. Hell, I even tried Ketamine. Out of it, all heroin was the best and one I continue to struggle to keep the cravings at bay.
When you feel depressed and down, heroin blunts the emotions and allows a little physical relief. Can it be dangerous, for sure, I’ve gotten close to passing out once or twice, nothing a lukewarm shower for forty minutes couldn’t fix.
I’ve had bad experiences with many of the drugs I’ve tried, yet it could be argued I still haven’t learned a lesson. When I’m depressed, I do what I do, sometimes it’s the wrong thing, I’m aware of that, and try to keep it as low-key of a habit as possible. Using in the mornings, and when I’m the only one at home. (I know dangerous, but I have Narcan I can self administer as long as I’m quick enough to act)
My father had extensive experiences with drugs, and finding dirty needles at 12 years old isn’t exactly a positive experience. Neither did him wandering the streets with various unscrupulous people, after drugs, sex, and money. I’ve seen the decline, both mentally and physically, that the cycle of depression and drug use can cause. They destroy families every day, through death or the shunning of such taboo individuals.
I have a ten pack of insulin needles however I haven’t got over the residual anxiety from finding them at a young age to try either subcutaneous or intravenous administration. I can’t even keep my eyes glued to the TV when I see injections. They may sit around forever, never used, or I may surprise myself someday, who knows?
I stick to smoking most, because of the ritual. Breaking up a nug or rock is satisfying, the method of torching a banger red hot, blowing on it, and allowing it to cool slightly, before hitting it is a practice I have done thousands of times at this point.
Insufflation is also an option, but with frequent use, your nose starts to get all raw and messed up from the acidic chemicals used in such substances. Plus the ‘drip’ isn’t a pleasant taste going down your throat. I’ve railed fat lines of Ketamine, messing up my nose for days afterward. It’s after that I learned intramuscular injection is the best route of administration for Ketamine.
All the drugs act as barriers to the outside world, people, places, feelings. I’ve built four walls enclosing me in this perpetually shitty feeling life, with few knowing the whole truth. I tell lies as I need to, and do my best to maintain a put-together appearance without ‘saucer’ or ‘pinned’ eyes, which is a dead giveaway to drug use.
I am actually shocked that nobody has called me out for being high, do people just not make as much eye contact anymore, or does the general population not know about the physiological changes that are brought on by drugs.
Living with depression and substance abuse is a vicious cycle. It will turn you into a person that you really don’t like. To this day I avoid looking in the mirror while I’m high because it makes me paranoid that others will notice the things I do like the size of my pupils, steadiness of the body and limbs, and so on.
Recreational drug use can be fun, but self-medicating with illicit drugs for depression is a bad idea. It doesn’t work, it just feeds a vicious little monster inside you that wants you to be high all the time and numb from everything.
If you or someone you know need help with addiction or depression there is help: National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255
SAMSHA's Hotline: 1-800-662-4357