It hurts sometimes. You know… feeling useless to everyone around. I hated that feeling, especially when you thought you have done something. Not me, I just felt more unimportant. That drink though… that weed though… with that cigarette. Those things were something else entirely, but it was better than slitting your wrist. Ha-ha! Suicide, something I have always considered since I was in middle school. Almost succeeded once… a whole bottle of Tylenol. My luck though was God hated me, so he didn’t take me. You think everyone was a bully, but that was the worst letdown of all. Just let me die! Not going to happen though, so I got messed up instead. You know… Die slowly you asshole, and be a part of the 27 group. You don’t know the famous 27? They were Joplin, Hendrix, Cobain, and Morrison. All died of drugs/suicide or both. The only problem with my situation is that I am no famous person… Just a jackass. The time you realize that you don’t do these things to be cool, but because you felt they took away pain. Now don’t think I was just a stoner and I drank… Sir or ma’am, you are definitely blind to a true addict.
I did way more stuff. I just rather did these things to sit around at home. Sometimes I would sit out on the porch and just be there into the night. I wasn’t much of a sleeper either… insomnia, go figure. By that time, I had at least 10 beers in and a few shots. Yeah, a party to my misery I thought. If my kids could see me now, but they couldn’t because they lived with their mothers. Just one of my many reasons to not give a shit. I am sorry if you feel I am a loser and a joke, but I am far from it. I just didn’t care to live. Living was for the birds, and I loved my kids so I stayed on this Earth… I didn’t want to though. There is no shame in thinking you’re a worthless person, but adding alcohol and drugs was not a good addition. I felt good at the time, but it was a problem. I was deemed a whiney bitch for my life because I just wanted to see life hurry by.
It was easier to not feel or think this way when I was out. I just drowned myself in beers and liquor till closing time. This one time I was so shitty I was just smashing bottle after bottle when I finished them. I had had 4 shots of Jägermeister, and beer with more beer. My brother was there and he had no idea why I kept smashing them, but I did. I can only figure is I thought it was a way to kill the mood. My mind has never made sense, and to this day that still doesn’t make sense to me. The worst part was not only did I embarrass my brother, but I had a friend that managed the bar. You can just say I was one classy guy.
I have drunk a ton of times with my brother, and he just never seemed that bothered about what stupid things I did while drinking. He even took trips with me and we got shitty out of town, and I was just hugging toilets most of the time. I would disappear and worry my brother… don’t worry though I am just making out with the toilet. There were also good memories at times, but guess what? I was too gone to remember those. On my 21st birthday, I was drunk in a movie theater… it was a shitty movie though. I have done more than enough to tell stories, but I want to let you know my thoughts.
Thoughts are the root of a lot of what we do to ourselves. I was a low life in my world, and a shitty father. Drinking was the worst thing I did while being a drug addict on top of that. I was one to not want to hear my thoughts. As you can see, I am a mess in the head. My head is what you are trying to understand right now, and I know damn well you’re scratching your head. I am too, so don’t worry. I have never really liked myself and sometimes I still don’t think my wife likes me. If she saw me then though, I would have never been married to her.
I was almost drunk 24/7, and I was high 24/7. I have a lot of repercussions for what I have done to myself. It never really cured me of my thoughts. I wasn’t well though… I was truly sick, and I didn’t realize how bad. I just felt like I was like everyone else as I was always told. I was troubled before the drinking and didn’t help it by drinking more. It leaves scars on you as you grow and when you feel better in life… it still lingers. I can’t drive in my old town without thinking about what I have done. I just want to release what I have been thinking for years… 10 years to be exact. Wow, that is just my sobriety. I was high and drunk for 17 years of my life… I am now 39.
I am a rambler, but I am just starting to open the gates to situations and how bad I have got. You sit there and think it is easy to just quit things, but it isn’t. I had relapses during my sobriety because I felt I shouldn’t change. What was it going to fix because I had already messed my life up? I remember one relapse in particular because I had a baby on the way and was trying to be better for my future child. I found myself at the bar with some friends. I complained and griped about my girl at the time, and how she ran me through the mud with her bipolar disorder. I took 3 shots of fireball and drank a few beers… the next thing I remember is trying to talk to her on the phone… she hangs up, and I try to get out of the car and vomit all over the place. In the midst of it I went to sleep with vomit all on me. I woke up the next morning in the parking lot, dried up vomit on my pants and shirt. The car had vomit next to the door and me in the driver's seat. I realized that that was a dumb move and it would never happen again.
I never told my family about that, but I am telling those who need to know. I still just sit up at night and remember the things I have done in my life. None of which are ever good and make me feel like life should have been easier for me. It never is easy for anyone… don’t expect it to be. I am afraid sometimes of what my life holds for me because of all the shit I have caused. I am no saint and I never wanted to be seen as one, but I am an alcoholic and a drug addict… don’t be afraid to start claiming it.
If you or someone you know is in need of help, call 1-800-662-HELP (4357) for free, 24/7 confidential help.