Kissing Frogs




Every little girl dreams of her wedding. Her dress. The cake. Her friends standing around her helping her get ready to walk down the aisle. And even more importantly, she dreams of her true love waiting with that loving glistening of tears in their eyes. What they don’t dream about is all of the other men, and women, that come before that special day. "Sometimes you have to kiss a few frogs", my grandma always said, "before you find your prince." Well, I’d like to receive the award for most frogs kissed. Frog is actually too nice of a term, more so toads, on my journey to find my Prince Charming.


I always dreamed he’d be tall, beautiful eyes, athletic, kind, intelligent, funny, and romantic. I also realized that if you type all that into an app it spits out some interesting humans. You have to take the good with the bad and some were just plain bad. My journey to find my prince started traditionally. Meeting men, and women, in bars, in grocery stores, in line at Target. I also noticed that all these men are usually on their phones, so…as a single female, I too decided to download these apps. While I always thought my love story would be more romantic than staring at a screen and swiping right or left, I learned that not only can you literally order a husband with the number of filters on these apps, but you can’t always get what you want.


DOWNLOAD


"I’ll never download those stupid things," I said. "I don’t want to be murdered," I said.

"I’m ready for something serious," I said.

"I guess I’ll download one of these apps," I said.

"Now, which one? Tinder? No, I don’t want one-night stands. Bumble? I could try that; I don’t mind starting the conversation. Hinge? Seems like a good option to get to know someone/filtering them out. Download app? Yes. "


SET-UP


Name: Nikki Chase

Age: 29

Photo upload: Ugh. How does one figure out what photos to put? What kind of photos? I need to choose multiple?!??! Oh, I should put the one of me and my dog. Shows I’m a dog mom, plus if you don’t like my dog, I’m not going to keep you around. The food I cook seems like a good idea. It’ll show I’m ready to settle down and am domesticated. One at a Tough Mudder? Shows I like to work out and I can get down and dirty. Is a swimsuit photo too aggressive? I work out and I’m proud. Plus, it shows I’m not catfishing. Full bod.

Questions: There are questions to answer?! Okay, favorite quote: “Be the change you wish to see in the world” …basic. Oh, true truths and a lie. That sounds fun. Favorite vacation you’ve ever been on? Okay. I can finish this later. Let’s see what eligible bachelors are out there.


THE FIRST SWIPES


THIS IS AMAZING. So many men. I just swipe and more pop up. Ew. Left. Ooooh la la. Right. Ew. Left. Left. Left. I could get down with a country boy. Right. Okay, saying no to grandpa. Left.


41. Male 6’2”. Drug Use: Unstated. Alcohol: Socially. Children: Yes and want more. 4 Shirtless photos. All that ab showing is probably how you got 4 kids. Left.


Biggest risk I’ve taken: “Filling all this bs out for a bj” That definitely looks like a solid contender. Left.


Looking for a third with my partner and me…maybe…eh...swipes left.


If you’re a Sugar Baby swipe right. *Contemplates for a moment* Left.


CONVERSATIONS

(or slipping into the DMs as the kids say)


“I’d like to see you in that swimsuit in real life and slowly take it off you with my teeth.” Yep…Confirmed. I’m going to need to change out that photo.


5 AM. The phone lights up. I rollover. 12 missed calls and 5 texts all from J. Houston, we have a stalker. Last time I give my number out until we talk a bit on the app.


Okay, why does he look so familiar? Oh, we go to the same gym. I haven’t seen him in a while, but I may as well swipe right. Match. Ding, ding, ding. We have a winner. Okay, what should my opening line be? “Hey, we go to the same gym”…no that’s stalker-ish. “You look handsome”…no, that’s too forward. “How’s your quarantine going?” I guess basic will work. A few minutes pass and a response. Nice, he’s online. He seems to be responding quickly for a Saturday night, but then again no one is really allowed to do anything these days…. now he wants to Facetime. Shit, I didn’t do my makeup. Okay, let’s go into a dimly lit area. He won’t be able to tell I haven’t showered in this pose. He’s calling. Nice, even on Facetime he’s cute. We’ve been talking for 75 minutes?!?! Wow, it’s flown. Maybe I will meet him in person. Did he just mention a detox? Wait, a drug detox. Did he just say he has Molly in his apartment? For two people to have an emotional experience…NEXT


THE DATES

(or lack thereof)


6’6”. I like it, a tall man. Sometimes you just need help getting something on the top shelf. He seems funny. We chat for a while, decide to meet up in person. Oh dear, not what I thought at all. How is it I find two guys back to back who enjoy raves? Do I have a type? I should really check those filters.


Seems exotic. From Europe. Figured a European knows how to treat a woman. And was I right. A beautiful dinner. Engaged in learning all about me. He lives next door to the bar, and we go back for a nightcap. Red flag: two pieces of furniture in his apartment, including a large photo of Marilyn Monroe. He makes his bed with the covers over the pillow. It was also one of the only items in the apartment. RUN. Okay, no more apartments until you vet them a little more…


Walking to the bar I see him sitting there. A little older than anticipated, but I don’t mind the touch of gray look. He smiles. We give each other a hug and I sink down into the comfy bar stools. I’m feeling a Cosmo. I feel so fancy. He’s so handsome and seems nice. Wait, did he just say he works upstairs. Convenient…Oh interesting you flew first class to Singapore. And China. And Germany. Okay, I get it…you like to fly fancy. And you have a new Mercedes. And you just bought a house. Great. And you like to go shopping at Louis Vuitton and Gucci. Okay, Sir spends-a-lot. Can I say anything at all? No? Okay, sounds good. I’ll just keep sipping these martinis.


I’m really enjoying myself, he made sure I could eat all the food, engaged in a two-way conversation. A nice change of pace. I think I might see him for a second date. Ugh, I hate when I have to pee. I look around staying engaged. Oh good. The bathrooms are behind him. I look him in the eye, smile, put my napkin down and say, “excuse me a moment.” I walk past him and I feel a squeeze on my ass. I momentarily shuffle and quickly walk away. Okay, maybe I imagined it. I look back, he’s staring at me smirking. Nope. Not imagining...how do I tell the waitress to put my food in a to-go box and slip out the back door stealthy? I think I need to give these apps a break for a while.

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