Who Am I?

You wake up on the floor in a pool of vomit, a streaming beam of sunlight blinds you. Your head is pounding. Maybe you have pants on, maybe you don’t. You look around. A mattress with no sheets, empty glasses, and a dirty ashtray. A window with broken blinds and a weathered psychedelic poster on the wall. You don’t recognize the room you’re in. You stumble from off the floor and look in the mirror. You don’t recognize yourself. Your hair is matted and your eyes, smudged with mascara, resemble raccoons. It looks as though you’ve aged a decade overnight. And you feel like death. Are you dead? You feel as though you could drink oceans. You reach for the can of coke on the table, next to residual lines of coke on a mirror with a rolled $5 bill begging to be spent. Your hands shaking, you grab the can and take a huge sip. Something foul-tasting touches your tongue. You spit it out and vomit, only bile, which burns your throat all the way out. A cigarette butt. You immediately search for your phone for evidence of the night, when you hear a toilet flush. A man you don’t recognize comes into the room. “Good morning, beautiful."

This became a common occurrence for me many mornings of the week. Different parties, different spaces, different faces, different men. But always me. Leaving me always to say, “I’m never drinking again.” Only to do the same thing the following night. And the next, and the next. I didn’t know my limits because I didn’t have any. I didn’t see I had a problem. The people I surrounded myself with, did the same. If they jumped off a bridge, I surely would too. I remember going on a Tinder date and he asked me what my hobbies were and I couldn’t think of anything to share. I didn’t have any interests other than partying. Was this a phase or was this me? The party girl. I found myself having bad relationships with most of the people in my life, and it was always because they did bad things to me. But was it them or was it me? Was I the one actually doing bad things to me? Was I too blinded by drugs and alcohol to see this? I am my own worst enemy and you are yours.

We create our own reality. As Shakespeare said, “There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.” Is that so? Was I on a deep dive into bad so deep I was unable to think clearly? 

People say people can’t change, but they can. They just have to want to. Sometimes it takes hitting rock bottom to realize that.

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